bitCHARS

That's what I tell you, and you, and you, and you.

2010-07-05T13:53:00.000+08:00

And then and there I broke into a million pieces. Maybe one day I will put them back together. But now all I can do is to stare at the broken pieces,the hundreds of shiny splinters of me, as they looked up at me mockingly, mocking me of what I used to be, and what I never will be.

**********************************************

I am okay. Aren't I?

I don’t need you to laugh at this.

2010-07-02T23:12:00.001+08:00

Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night ’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

What?

2010-06-11T17:36:00.004+08:00

You're a redneck, heartbreak

Who's really bad at lying

So watch me strike a match

On all my wasted time

As far as im concerned

You're just another picture to burn

2010-05-16T14:01:00.002+08:00

feels bitter.

i tried so hard, but it still goes on.
I'm half the person i used to be anymore.

2010-05-16T02:32:00.002+08:00

ITS FUCKING ABOUT YOU INNIT?

~~how clever you always twist things round in circles and make nothing your mistakes and everything mine~~

I dont want a conversation.

2010-05-16T01:56:00.008+08:00

Dear Mr X,

I don't really know why you still come around to me and act as if i'm suppose to be your best fren again. I dont get it. I really dont. How do u expect me to be like normal? I dont want to. I'm sorry. You gave me enough heartbreaks to last me a lifetime. Please leave me alone. I dont want to know about your life, or anything to do with you.
JUST.FUCKING.LEAVE.ME.ALONE

2010-05-16T01:32:00.003+08:00

i guess i am not satisfied with our conversation because i felt like we went in circles and i forgot some of the things i wanted to say along the way.

you know, i broke a lot of rules for you. i put aside my ego. i initiated. i called you first and let you see how im bothered. you dont even realize how much you affect me, i cant even fucking sleep because of you. last night i slept at 7am. what the fuck. and you dont even care. your parting words with me are i dont have anything to say to you?

you admit that you could sense something was up and you still didnt bother to ask me about it right? you drop the obligatory hi text and fine duty done. didnt you learn from before you went to ** that the problem was you didnt ask me. and still you didnt ask and nevermind because i called you first right. i am so insignificant to you, that you cant put aside your ego and just ask? maybe i have my reasons for not replying you normally.

perhaps its not my place to tell you or care who and how much you talk to someone. but even after i told you how i felt and we made up, you do it still. not change a thing and have the cheek to tell me that youve already texted me so i cant get mad? then now, you say i took it wrong and its not obligatory. of course i am not going to ask you to tone down your frequency with her. its not my place and i sure as hell dont want to make you obligated to do that as well. you fucking have enough obligations with me right?

well fine. if my issues mean squat to you and you feel you havent wronged me in any way. what about your darling girlfriend? have you ever considered her feelings? i know i would not like my boyfriend communicating with some other girl so much and then not even tell me about it. if it was so innocent then why didnt you just tell her? it is definitely not a nice feeling to find out from your best friend when it popped up in conversation. dont deny it because i know how much you contact her, im there.

my thoughts are all over the place with you. one moment i trust you with the world and the next i categorize you with all my disappointments. just know that ive never tried so hard nor did i ever shed a tear or lose sleep from my other disappointments. please dont feed me bullshit anymore.

2010-05-15T04:07:00.000+08:00

2010-05-15T02:01:00.003+08:00

oh sleeping pattern. please resume normal habits by monday. you have two more days to misbehave but it is really starting to take a toll on me and my work. when you are done fixing yourself, sleeping pattern, please advice eating habits to heal and be normal again.

maybe i'll be having lunch in the cubicle soon

2010-04-16T22:16:00.004+08:00

You remember those kids? The one's everyone liked, the one's everyone hung out around, the one's who made things happen, the one's who practically had the world revolve around them? Yeah, those people who label you in or out. They can make your life heaven on earth or a living hell. In my time, I've known both ends of the spectrum and the freak end is the deep end of the popularity pool where you're struggling just to keep your head above the water and sharks are circling under your feet... the cool end is where everyone is playing beach volleyball and sipping pina coladas.

People who say its cool to be different never went to high school or at least forgot a big chunk of it.

I guess some times in life, you wished that you would have the chances of going back to that gap between then.. & maybe now. GLUM is the new feeling of the now. somehow it feels like you dont fit in anymore & its the whole highschool cycle all over and again.

I really don't know what do you want from me. i know i'm being knuckleheaded of not wanting to believe that the way you act is being normal. because i've seen normal and this is not IT. But you know what, if I spend all my life trying to conform to what everyone else thinks is "right" or "wrong", I'm gonna be pretty damn miserable.

So today I'm standing up for whatever I think and whatever I feel.

If you cannot accept that then maybe you're the one with the problem (:

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt. Because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

- maybe i'm trying too hard

2010-04-13T16:57:00.004+08:00

No dancing birds or mice making wedding dresses, but happily ever after nonetheless.

if you're reading this, hope u'll have a lifetime supply of happiness and please bullshit no-more to the one you love most, P/s- u're a lucky bastard!

people people !

2010-03-12T21:09:00.003+08:00

R E V I V A L ! ! only because im so damned happy :)))))))))

happy one year and ten months too baby ! i love how you remember before it happens and before me! a miracle right bitches? did you ever think this day would come? and its not even the first time. so its not a fluke. its safe to say he has recovered from forgetfulness disease.

i love you.

'Cause it's about to get rough for you

2010-02-10T12:14:00.003+08:00

I dont have a plan. I like it just the way it is right now. But i know this won't last because i will soon face 'it' one day, which is pretty soon. Lots of things have been affecting me in ways it should'nt be; its the same old stuffs, which i should have gotten over and done with long ago, but it keeps coming back. But i suppose it takes stuff that is this overwhelming and this torrential for me to say, i’m out of here. i’m done with this. i’m done with this completely awful trade. It was the wake up call that i really needed.I didn’t realize these decisions were bad for me until it was too late....

But i wont let you hold me back anymore.

So i'm telling you this is it.

This. Is. It

2010-02-04T00:21:00.002+08:00

i always feel like the ground seems sturdier when you tend to estimate your goals.

2010-02-03T11:57:00.001+08:00

I thought i found myself, but had actually lost my way...

yo ! pay attention coz i aint playing.

2010-01-29T15:46:00.003+08:00

i dont respect you. despite our age difference, i find your maturity level way below mine and my bitches. could you stop acting like youre in high school and stop wasting away the last moments of your twenties? freaking grow some balls and man up to your mistakes. stop messing around and getting into people's heads. stop making decent people care for you. stop being shitty. obviously people are right to say age means nothing. because a decade means nothing and i dont respect you.

you had better quit it and stop lying. maybe some people care too much about you and are too nice to burst your little fucked up bubble. but i certainly am not. im giving you a time limit to take care of this shit by yourself. or else, i will.

peace. it was so nice to meet you and put a face to all the horrendous stories.

finding your way to the missing jigsaw?

2010-01-25T17:59:00.008+08:00

so i've heard. you came to kl for a custom made doormat
it's not as if you havent left one at perth before
& you still think you would get the same one by gng up north?

THINK AGAIN.

2010-01-20T01:28:00.006+08:00

Heard that you're coming, be careful because I'm watching.

Yea you!

(Fist) no pressure :)

Behind Closed Doors, I Could Be Whoever I Wanna Be

2010-01-18T00:46:00.001+08:00

Trying to be brave and strong ~~when you're feeling anything but~~ is more difficult than anybody knows until they try it.

It is telling yourself not to cry over and over while you sob uncontrollably. It is walking fast and keeping constantly on the move so you don't think, but the breakdown you are running from is always right behind you, so close no matter how fast you run. It is hugging yourself tightly in the shower as you pretend that the water running down your face is not salty.

It is being so tired of fighting that you escape into oblivion. It is wanting and not having. It is the headache you get from crying too hard. It is smiling with the smile of a portrait and hoping nobody sees you shattering into pieces.

It is what you do because you have to.

So far

2010-01-05T19:33:00.004+08:00

Enjoying home sweet home with the people i love most. Just chilling and not worrying abt anything. I am enjoying life so far. I appreciate every little moment back here bcuz i know moments like this wont last forever. I'm greatful and utterly thankful to be back home.

Everything is over and done. well almost.

I hope i'll be better off somehow, someday.

2009-12-15T16:20:00.003+08:00

Desires.

Walking down memory lane was fun. It brings back everything that made you who you are today. Be it stupid, funny, happy or ugly at least i did something useful today.

put down the picture and maybe get some sleep tonight:)

Much Too Much

2009-12-13T20:42:00.001+08:00

"There's something to be said about a glass half full, about knowing when to say when. I think it's more of a floating line, a barometer of need. Of desire. It's entirely up to the individual, and it depends what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless... all we want is more." - Meredith Grey

Stay on top

2009-12-13T12:17:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, you didnt choose to be the other person. You hate the fact that you've tangled yourself to be that other person. You swore you never want to repeat the same mistakes again. But losing isnt what you want either. So whats next in line for you?

Word is...

2009-12-13T11:25:00.006+08:00

Just something I randomly stumbled upon. Because i don't like the way people think its their goddamn right to be all self righteous without thinking right... but I like the author, the way she writes.

"Just as you rush out of the some doors everyday, we rush into other things. It’s thrilling to run on adrenaline, living on the edge. Be careful, you might just topple off. Life feels like a quick game of Cranium, and you desperately roll the dice in hope of a purple. Choice – isn’t that what everyone craves? You want to choose – but are you? You stumble over your own feet trying to pick – but who’s picking? Feels like a plate of sushi just travelling along the conveyer belt, waiting for Fate to take its pick. Will it be your turn?"

"Where do you find your mojo? Where, do you find that little piece of sky that’s yours? Where, do you find what’s worth fighting for?

When, all you can do is to eye your disastrously cluttered table, and marvel at your self-delusion? When a halfhearted scowl at the pet fish is all you can muster? When you’re hoping for brighter skies. When you’re fading into oblivion. When delirium sneaks into your thoughts. When all you want is to curl up on the sofa and sink into the cushions. When all you hear is silence.

Where do you find your mojo?"

"I don’t really know how, so tell me please. How do you stop being someone’s friend? Do you search out every single piece of evidence attesting to his existence and burn it, and hopefully you’ll forget about him? Do you pretend he’s invisible and pretend it’s a gust of wind when you walk by? Do I end it with a letter? Or do I just lapse into the you-are-non-existent phase of my life? Do I proclaim to the world that you don’t have a place in my heart anymore? Tell me please, how to, because I really don’t know how."

(ok la this part i just liked the sound of it. she's still your friend. just that things wouldn't stay the same as they were. its like that tainted glass. it will never turn back to the way it is. you're still friends. just different. distance?)

"On some days, you feel like hiding under the table and go missing for a day or so, let people panic, trying to find you, just so you know that you matter to them. But there’s a difference between thinking about it and doing it. I hid under the table for a good hour, but no one realized I was missing. I didn’t expect it to work anyway, but secretly a tiny part of me wanted someone to call me to ask if I’m okay. Perhaps that’s why I took my handphone with me to the Land Under the Table.

For a moment, I was afraid I’d topple over the edge"

"I think God ran out of things to do with my life, so He's recycling the stories. Maybe that's why everything is the same; everyday fades into a copy of a copy of a copy. There’s a drowsy familiarity, like going round in goldfish circles. But hold on. Something’s lurking within these waters, and a precarious balance just waiting to be tipped before disaster falls. Can’t place my finger on it, but it certainly feels like a goldfish swimming in a blender – all you’ve got to do is to press the button and I’ll be seeing you in goldfish heaven."

No one knows where she’s going

She’s sitting in the corner of the room, with knees drawn close to herself and arms wrapped around them in defense, like a caterpillar in metamorphosis. Frail, she looks like she could be whisked away by the wind or coaxed away by the bluster of the morning gale. She can’t remember anymore, eyes searching for an inkling of what went down.

It’s good luck if it’s the first word you say on the first day of the month. she’ll be saying it, just for good measure. December comes the month, she's got a feeling she’ll be needing it. she's starting off with lights in the wee hours of the morning and droopy eyes in lessons, and her spunk has gone down a few notches. It hasn’t been the best weeks back, and she's been feeling boring for days in a row now. It scares her a little, and she want her schnazz back.

No one knows where she’s going. But I know she’s going mad.

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

I've decided that every time you fall should be like the first time. No fear, no inhibitions, no catching yourself.
Just innocent trust and the untainted, unwavering belief that I will be caught.
Because some things aren't worth learning.
she deserves the best as much as anyone else does.

YOU (yes you!) treat her like a doormat, comes and go as you wishes. is there a point you're actually trying to proove? it's bad enough the dramas she's been through and quite frankly she's already the dramaqueen champion. why do you have to make this a little more harder, to make her already shredded heart a little more frail?

honestly, the times you cared for here were great. but haven't you thought that it's a beat too late? the song has ended. only then you tried adding the lyrics. this is more than just song and lyrics.

OF COURSE things has crumbled into a heap. playing with fire only got you so far.

have you noticed the days you left her feeling so invisible?
think again.
guess not?

Time that never tells

2009-12-12T14:50:00.004+08:00

People keep asking what do i want. what. do. i. want?

Honestly, really, i dont. know. what. i. want.

I've been trying to figure it out. trying to learn. trying to forget. trying to let go. trying to recover myself from that deep deep hole that i've buried myself into months back. but it all keeps coming back to me.

"See, quite some time back, I learnt that our past is never gone, that our roots are never rid. No matter how hard you try to uproot yourselves, by doing so you only destroy your being.

Sometimes there are some things in the past that we just want to bury and have it sink to oblivion, in hopes that one day we can walk far enough to leave this memory behind.

But it always surfaces, and the past will never release it's hold on you, neither will our heritage.

Simply because it is a part of who we are, of how we come about, of our innate essence... And you can never run away from yourself for too long, it's only a matter of time before your shadow catches up "

Maybe i'm crazy, maybe i'm insanely crazy.

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

2009-11-25T16:06:00.003+08:00

cherry,cherry,boom,boom

Boy, we've had a real good time,
And i wish you the best on your way,
eh eh
there's nothing else i can say.

I didnt mean to hurt you,
I never thought we would fall out of place.

I have something that i love long,long
my friends keepa telling me something's wrong

eh eh,
i wished you never looked at me that way.
eh eh,
there's nothing else i can say

Not that i dont care about you
Just that things got so complique,eh eh

with love from Perth's Rottnest Island=)

2009-11-21T16:42:00.003+08:00

2009-11-21T11:24:00.000+08:00

why so persistent? seriously...

2009-11-10T13:14:00.004+08:00

"shit happens so trust no one people. no matter how long its been or how much youve gone through with that person. its never safe, so dont blink for too long."

im feeling better, i didnt write from something i experienced myself recently but something i witnessed.

2009-11-08T19:57:00.003+08:00

if i reach out to you, will you let go again?

life isn't a dream. i miss my rose tinted glasses. can i got back to simpler times? can we all go play play-doh together and make nice?

exams suck. lets go get married and live happily ever after instead.

oh wait, currently i cant do that genuinely. im tired of biting my tongue and being strong. when will my tongue start bleeding from all this biting i wonder. maybe im transferring my frustration and aiming it at others, but really. i needed your shoulder, a shoulder. no worries, ive got two shoulders of my own.

its time to plaster on a smile again and control myself. hi accounting, have you missed me? you have? wish i could say the same.

2009-11-07T21:07:00.002+08:00

can i eat another banana, go out on the balcony, stare at the people way down there moving about like ants and cry a little more?

poppable proof bubbles?

2009-11-06T22:07:00.004+08:00

do you know how long it took for me to easily share with you my feelings and problems about you? how hard it was to open that door to you? the door to my problems and conflicts with you. it was really difficult to get comfortable with communicating these things with you. i used to run to another friend and deal with it without you. it was hard but it kept things between us clean on the surface. i thought that was best for us. but you insisted and somehow made me want to run to you first after every tiny thing. you were my number one go to person. although it made things messier on the surface, deep down we grew stronger and more connected. it made our conversations more meaningful as well. dont you see that after everything that happened i still went to you instead of other people? you didnt essentially break one of the most important things down yet. i still went to you though afraid of boring and irritating you. some part of me knew that you were still the best person to comfort me. as of right now, you finally tore down what you built up. it even withstood the storms a few months back but not this. i can easily revert back to not telling you things to do with you and let us be clean and shiny on the surface. i will just handle it on my own or with my friends. you just might not know me or whats going on in my head as well anymore. we can just appear happy. i will try not to burst our bubble.

November's chopin

2009-11-05T22:16:00.007+08:00

I used to daydream about november
I used to fantasize so much about november..
I used to pretend its november
but look, november is finally here.

I used to look forward to seeing him in november.
But then again, things changed.

Will things be different back home?
Honestly, i'm scared about everything.
A million things running thru my mind now.

What if things aren't the same anymore?

i'm scared=x

The Almost. But just not quite yet.

2009-10-29T23:37:00.005+08:00

It's that moment, right before the first kiss.

When your faces are so close that what comes next is virtually inevitable, unavoidable. When he looks into your eyes, his hand on your cheek. When you look into his and his breath lingers across your lips. And it seems as though time has come into a standstill. Every moment before and every moment after ceases to matter as you look into each other eyes... and the world shrinks into you and me.

That is the moment that you want to last. The moment before the kiss. The moment where you wait with butterflies in your stomach and a lump in your throat. The moment when your heart skips a little and it gets harder to breathe. The moment just before you reach out, and fall into forever. The moment of anticipation and promise and dreams-come-true.

Don't rush the moment. It'll pass soon enough. The attainment of something desired is made all the more gratifying by the tingle of anticipation.

To my dearest<3

2009-10-19T14:01:00.003+08:00

click www.stephenandmunwai.com

with all the love in the world

2009-10-18T12:36:00.003+08:00

I dont want to be Her anymore.

I used to be that girl, but not anymore.

I'm not all that you think you know of.

I'm just not Her anymore.

stop acting like you care please.

2009-10-17T23:55:00.002+08:00

you know how i hate telling you things. and i told you anyway. three nights in a row.

despite all that, you still do it. you continue to disappoint me.

dont be surprised if i get tired of waiting. i dont care if im being over dramatic.

the last thread is never a thick one.

the sun won't stop shining tomorrow morning.

2009-10-07T20:32:00.002+08:00

imissyou,buticantfindthewordstosaytoyounomatterhowmuchiwantto,

you'vegotmoreofmethanyouknow,boy
andiwannaknow, really, howtoletgoandforget?

dated back of song and dance

Definitions

2009-10-01T23:21:00.010+08:00

i guess its normal?
like you wouldn't wanna NEVER see him again
its just when he is so hidden from yr life, suddenly he came out of that barrier
you just went WHOAAAAA
then again, this chapter of the story has closed
so don't look back, GET a new direction

I want to be more than your phone call at 8am

Seems like everytime you ~~come back to me~~

It's just to steal my heart and run off.

"From what I know,
you're not who i think you used to be."
I just didn't say that it was because of the event.
But in the event that you ever read this,
~~Good friends are hard to come by~~.

Please know that you were/are one of them.

2009-09-30T21:18:00.000+08:00

You''ll be pathetic if you stay on

is water tasteless?

2009-09-28T23:05:00.000+08:00

I’m scared you know.

but there’s just something so strong.and i feel so sure.

and i feel so stupid,feeling so sure.

mother said i use the word "and" too much

To go with the flow, to go against the flow?

2009-09-24T11:03:00.006+08:00

soo confused. i dont know what to do. i've got no clue. whatsoever. But well, at least im not the fool. Im no one's fool.

'Once a match is struck, it flares up. You blow it out as quick as you can, but the dark soot remains there, smearing your fingertips a nasty black, a reminder of all that you have done'

so.fuck off loser.

2009-09-23T11:19:00.005+08:00

I pity the fool ( who has absolutely no clue)

thankyou for making that phone call. it woke me up from my darkest dream.

games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out

i'm no one's fool<3

2009-09-20T08:31:00.000+08:00

selamat hari raya and maaf zahir batin to all!

2009-09-17T22:33:00.000+08:00

sometimes life just get you down.

2009-09-13T22:14:00.003+08:00

its time to bite my bottom lip and put on that mask. its time to push things under the carpet and hopefully the lumps wont be obvious.

i am off your case.

2009-09-13T08:26:00.002+08:00

could things turn out the way i hoped it would just once? could i not hope for anything just once? could i be blissfully ignorant just once?

as time goes by, i am slowly learning to dread something instead of look forward to it.

2009-09-12T19:09:00.006+08:00

Life is complicated, and it still is

sometimes, i don't know how to explain these things to people, but those who knows my stories well will know what I'm talking about eventually
So here people, i want to bid my goodbye to miss Carmen Lim before she leaves for India tomorrow!
I LOVE YOU, SHORT STUFF:)!

A Fire To Keep Me Warm

2009-09-04T20:45:00.002+08:00

Is it wrong for me to so upset about so many things? because all my life, i've always thought that I could trust my own understanding of friendship, love and life. but whenever it came to you, there seemed to be no definite answer to anything anymore. When it came to you, it'd hurt too much for me to think about it. &i didn't, for a as long as I could put it off.

With a clock ticking away the seconds we could be together, the last weeks were to be spent indulging in long phone calls and frequent outings.it was as if we were savouring every bit of time we had left before the inevitable goodbye.

Every word that came from his mouth felt like doses of nostalgia injected and forcefully pumped into my veins that pierced my very heart. Like a drug that could only make my condition worse, he had become the addiction i kept falling back into.

It was then that i realised how much I needed him, how big of a role he played in my short nineteen years of life, intensified during these short two weeks. and that terrified me.

The very thought, no, the very knowledge that I, that person who’s built an emotional armour since the last shattering experience, had been so flawlessly dismantled, that by the time i had realised the potential threat, I had neither the control and power, nor the will in me to reactivate the mental defense that would drive him away from the solace within my thoughts, my only sanctuary.

`because does it surprise you when i'm at a loss with you?

Because i've been so unsure of so many things, that to think i've been wrong all along, makes me question, what if i'm wrong again this time? &you don't make it easier. you give into me, and you let me breakdown in your arms, you tell me how i'll be fine. but you see, i don't know how to. I want to be sure.

I love you.

So This is love..

One love
That has possessed me..

&till now, that's still the best description to how i feel

` &i keep coming back to find that it's still not overrated.

i'd come for you-nickelback

2009-08-29T09:09:00.001+08:00

'It was an eventuality; it had to happen. Now, it's a finality.. Yet surprisingly, nothing really changed at all and I'm glad it stayed that way'

xxx
emkay.

Make Ends Meet.

2009-08-13T19:49:00.001+08:00

I got my results this Monday and believe me it was not a very pleasant experience breaking down the news for my parents.

I wouldn't blame them of course, since I'm aspiring to get into medicine, I should be performing at my best and scoring well for all my core subjects the least.

Chemistry Bearable,
Mathematics Crap (WTF I COULD DEF DO BETTER, i mean COME ON ITS MATHS. URGHH mentally killing myself), Physics Chagrin of what could have been

Honestly, I'm disappointed for my cannot make it grades simply based on the amount of effort I put in which was not much at all! So yeah, thats the grade I deserve. i might have disappeared from the web for a month, but its only A month, while people spend their entire 'one year, six months' working their asses off for this. i crammed up the little 3 months, patching up the party times (& i dont really party that often, do i?)

:(

oh well, how'd i wish i'm those hot clubbers who Aces exams. i'd be awesome then.

And I've really gotta stop making up excuses for stufff and just admit that I'm wrong and I will learn from my mistake. This is a good wake up call (as if i havent got enough of them?) and yes it's good motivation in the near future for future exams which seems like they're already looming threatheningly around the corner *puffs*.

I really don't want to disappoint my parents & most of all I don't want to take advantage of how much faith they have in me to achieve my dreams which I'm very apprehensive about..

yes so, semester 3 resolutions are :

*Nerd regularly in the library with my nerd buddy, Mel.
*Time manage efficiently so that I won't cram too much before the exams.
*Keep in touch with all my friends no matter where they are.

Just us being us, The BTCs=)

2009-08-09T20:08:00.002+08:00

love you girls=)

xoxo,
emkay

2009-08-08T13:29:00.001+08:00

you have no problem hanging up first anymore.

2009-08-06T22:54:00.004+08:00

Absentmindedly you making me want you
U're Mmessi-ing me all the way through
U're pulling me head first, fearless...
i dont know how.

i.am.a.doormat

Feels Like Rain

2009-08-06T11:04:00.006+08:00

I’ve been feeling particularly different today, or rather, this weekend. My ebullience detached itself and wandered off into the wilderness…. or wherever happiness goes. I get weary easily no matter how much sleep I get. My face is overpopulated with.. blemishes. feck! My hair is rebellious and it’s dropping every nanosecond. the more I think about work the more indolent I get and I know I’ll regret later for putting things on the back burner and killing time doing nothing. The weather gets slightly rougher by the day and you get all cranky because of the bloody heat. So you too decided to drag the sorry ass off into the land of unsorry asses and release happy endorphines while working out. And you bring home tiredness, blankblankblank brains… and your sorry ass of course. Your day continues being miserable by asking yourself stupid questions like why is it this and why is it that and why isn't uni starting yet. And results results..not knowing is eating me aliveee. Tick tock tick tock the next thing you know it’s already hours from where you've just started and you dislike this miserable routines because that’s a slap in the face for WAKE UP TOMORROW’S JUST THE SAME. You did not choose to be like this because you would definitely love to hear yourself laugh again but there isn’t much to laugh at unless you think that the prospect of not being accepted into uni at all is funny…

I blame it on the hormonal imbalances or seasonal affective disorder (did you notice that the abbreviation for this disorder is SAD?). Sigh. Whatever it is, it’ll all get better in time.

Off to eat my sorrows away because lately I’ve been craving for rochers like a pregnant woman. Bulls, when people tell you chocholates makes you happy.

Light up, light up, as if you have a choice.

That’s so true, Gary Lightbody.

dont fall in the mud!

2009-07-31T22:30:00.001+08:00

i think i am constantly having this inner tug of war with myself.

some parts of me want to forget everything and move forward with life like you said. just be happy and melt away within your embrace. look up into your eyes and smile. feel safe and warm and loved again. just be with you and breathe you in. inhale your smell. feel your touch. i want to lose myself in you. get tangled up in you. snuggle up beside you and ask for morning kissies. give you a warning glance when you want to eat some junk. share a kitkat with you. have a giggle with you. hold hands all the way home in the car. reassure you that i dont mind again again. smile to myself when i reply your text. wear your shirt to sleep. break the rules. i want to know you.

however,

other parts of me are filled with question marks. who was that person who had that conversation with me? i know it was supposed to be like any other conversation, the sky and the sea? but it wasnt. it really wasnt to me. it was as if you were a different person, not the sweet baby i knew and not the sweet baby you are being now. was that just a mistake or was it your true colours showing? how am i supposed to let go when these parts are working i over drive? is it all just make believe?

how do i let go and let all the other parts of me win? how do i ensure the correct parts dont fall in the mud in this tug of war?

try not to blink.

2009-07-31T18:00:00.002+08:00

1 week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10080 minutes. 604800 seconds.

before all that time passed i was at my last day of orientation. freezing my ass off running around the city in this winter race. i loved my group (mostly) it was so diverse. people from china, holland, switzerland, germany, indonesia and of course malaysia! my only worry was massive badluck. we were leading until we made a mistake and then got stuck waiting 15min for a tram and then being stuck again after that due to a tram accident else where. the race didnt end so well but hey, i made new friends. the sun was smiling upon me still. so being all pooped out i got home did my usual stuff, went online but then i slept soon after. a rather early night for me. everything was perfect, in place, class was starting soon, parents were leaving soon and everything was all set.

the series of unfortunate events followed.

now all that time has passed and im torn. i want to go back. just rewind and pause. go back to one week ago. dont let the 7 days pass. hold on to those 168 hours as hard as i can. cherish every moment before the 10080 minutes. wish away 604800 seconds.

but that is not possible. i am here now. all the time has passed and i am here now. maybe if i didnt blink i would still be there.

try not to blink.

The Bigest Choice of My Life...

2009-07-31T02:41:00.002+08:00

There is something in my brain which is forcing me to choose 2 bigest paths of my life. Despite myself not being a study material, I'm now only left with two choices.

1. Try my best in studying for my final RESIT for 3 papers and if I pass I'll continue studying and if I fail, I will stop studying and keep on working..

Being an employee has made me realise alot of stuff about the social network and the market. I've suddenly realised that in order for a person to survive in the business world, one has to have enough experience. Its not just always about the CERTIFICATE from which BOMbastic University.

I seriously cant make up my mind.

I clearly know myself for not being a study person but I know my mum would like to see me graduate like my brother but what can I do?

I've asked myself this question whenever I'm out of work during my off periods.

My salary now is actually not what a fresh graduate will be able to get and it has actually exceeds the salary of what a normal manager could get.

I cant find the reason for studying for another 3 years and come out getting 2k + and i have to work like shit for several years to only get a simple promotion which has an additional 1 or 2k in salary.

But I think again, is it always about the salary or its about the social thought of a UNIVERSITY GRADUATE who actually has a CERT?

Will big companies neglct those who has no degree CERTIFICATE and only accept those who have one?

If its so, why university graduates have difficulties in looking for a job in the working world nowadays.

The truth is, alot of bosses have only studied till high school and they can already be better than those who graduated from a university.

I dont know about the SCIENCE world but in the business world, its always about experience.

My boss had only studied till diploma and his salary is already reaching to what a CEO of a company is getting.

My brain is playing games with me now and had left me with no choice.

Worst come to worst is if I fail this time, I'll just go out and study a Finance or a Marketing Diploma and that is all.

Tell me what should I do guys!! I'm really confused..I dont know if my decision will dissapoint my MoTHER!!!I cant let myself see her sad because of me!!

My DAD. HE says that if i cannot study I should just come out and work LOL!

~keiron signing off~

to my special you know who <3

2009-07-30T21:11:00.002+08:00

if a guy is going to break your heart , he has to at least have the balls to watch your heart break. why should he be able to be blissfully ignorant while you are going through all the pain, suffering and tears because of your heart that is breaking due to his assholiness. he is not allowed to be a coward. he is to feel bad for his stupid actions. even though i dont like to let the guy see me being desperate, crying or whatever, i think you deserve the last say. even if you want to pretend to not care and be tough so he feels like a loser, then you should walk off with some smart comment AFTER having that final conversation. he cant pretend the topic is closed and expect to be able to be normal with you if he has yet to man up and face the situation. DARE HE ASK YOU WHY YOU DID NOT TURN UP?! he does not deserve your presence or your friendship. what kind of guy would leave you hanging like that? even if he cant do what you want and you already know it, he should have the decency to let you know and not leave you with question marks. stupid boys. so selfish. be strong baby i love you! x

definitely maybe not

2009-07-30T12:40:00.001+08:00

You're making me wonder and i hate it.
You're making me doubt and i hate it.

PS You are such an asshole.

I fucking dont want to see you anymore. fuck you.

2009-07-29T21:07:00.007+08:00

i just realised why you must never take things forgranted or try to predict the future. you wil always look like a dumbass.

march 10th

maybe just maybe

everything i went through

i had to go through to get to you

maybe just maybe

all the headaches and heartaches

was just part of the journey to you

because without it

i wouldnt have been distracted enough

to ask you to walk me

i wouldnt have needed a knight in shining armor

to rescue me

i wouldnt have known what i was missing

to not have you with me

so maybe just maybe

we should be happy at how the cards were dealt

we should thank those we resent

we should take it all in and smile

because we have each other

and maybe just maybe

we always will

july 25th

you were my maybe

my definitely maybe.

but you got me thinking

maybe just maybe

you are my maybe not.

maybe i was a fool

maybe i was blind to the truth

maybe it was all pretend

or maybe i was just young

yet again

i hate that you play tennis. i hate your friend for asking you to play. i hate that i still have to wait for you. i hate that you went. i hate that you were grumpy. i hate that we didnt go. i hate that you went without me. i hate that i have yet to go. i hate your friend for taking you. i hate what you did. i hate what you said. i hate that you asked. i hate timelines. i hate the past. i hate the present. i hate the future. i hate how i feel. i hate my thoughts. i hate how my friends think differently of you. i hate work. i hate that im alone. i hate that i cant forget. i hate how it is now. i hate the distance. i hate that you cant turn back time. i hate that you cant fast forward your life. i hate that im slacking. i hate crying. i hate papercuts. i hate the cold. i hate that i cant sleep.

hate is a strong word. so lets say dislike instead.

im sorry for stealing colours. i dont feel like saying its me. but i think you know who it is.

I tear my heart open just to feel.

2009-07-29T16:46:00.004+08:00

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

In this world there is real and make believe.

There is so much I can say

2009-07-29T15:49:00.006+08:00

Sometimes, I think I hate her for taking him away. But then again the sense of ~~relief~~ was unmistakable.
So thanks. :)

I will remember you,
even if you don't.

Babyface. babyattitude.

2009-07-29T11:38:00.002+08:00

PEOPLE GET SECOND CHANCE WHEN THEY DID THE WRONG THINGS.
WHAT ABOUT SECOND CHANCES?

Im just me. never you. are you willing to love me to be never you?
Im just lost. never blind. i will be able to find my way out. somehow.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

2009-07-28T11:45:00.001+08:00

“ You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter." Nicholas Sparks

No More Wishing

2009-07-27T17:56:00.008+08:00

There are a lot of posts that I write and then send to drafts. Some are outlines, some are just lines, some are very much complete but most of them never make it to 'Published' So who wants to see what i've been hiding in 'Drafts'? This post is one of them.

i want a love that's side by side

i want a love that holds me tight

i want a love that feels like a dream

but when i wake up, he's still next to me

so put me on a pedestal
give me everything i need

but give it to me so completely

that there will be no more wishing

the person you end up needing the most,
is the one you swore you never wanted in the first place.

God knows what is hiding under those weak drunken hearts. i guess the loneliness comes knocking, no one needs to be alone. so you're not going to be drowning alone, because i'm here for you, as always.

Drowning (v.) : to die from asphyxation as a result of being submerged in liquid, to be overcome, overpowered or extinguished.

tragedy of life is not meant to be faced alone, so i am here for you. as always.

because u're never insignificant to the world.

now this make sense :)

ps my fb is being retardedy. i dunno, ness. i want to talk to you woman, to know how are you doing.

2009-07-27T07:56:00.001+08:00

i am confused. am i ready for this? are you?

its like im living in a nightmare.

2009-07-26T23:15:00.003+08:00

"A loser will not always be a loser..i believe this experience will have taught u many lessons, so u can only end up a winner"- Mr XXX

2009-07-25T16:26:00.002+08:00

i'm struggling to breathe.

the words 'at all'....

they take me apart.

and i can't breathe.

it hurts. it all hurts.

and i really can't breathe.

clutching myself, trying to get a friend.

unable to see clearly.

should i just let myself suffocate?

2009-07-25T04:04:00.002+08:00

it finally happened and it was as bad as i thoght it would be. i suppose i couldnt holx it in forever.

2009-07-22T16:35:00.003+08:00

This is THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL...

I'm trying to make things work. Make things back to how they used to be. Back to that place. So familiar and so comfortable.I know that u're trying to take one step at a time to fix things..I'm in it with you. .XoXo.

When The World Says Give Up

2009-07-22T11:47:00.001+08:00

hope whispers try it one more time (:

-carm x

crossing it?

2009-07-21T00:31:00.002+08:00

the day has finally come. that infamous bridge that i have heard rumours about is right infront of me. actually its already under me. i stepped on t officially today and i wonder if its stable enough to hold my weight? i hope i dont fall seriously. i think that today was not my first step really. ive been taking little or big steps towards this bridge from day one. i must have ignored all the warning signs until suddenly im on it. it is too late to turn back. i either jump off myself and commit suicide or try to get to the other side slowly hoping that it wont give way.

i would like to apologise for my nonsense ramblings. it is around 2.30am here and i have to get up early and start my first day of briefings and shit. im so lost, i dont know what to do. i dont believe my long break is over. my days of staying home or going out or anything is over. i have to actually use my brains again. yikes!

i dont know how i feel. actually i just found the word. i feel very numbed through this whole experience. i dont really feel much emotion now. just a lot of confusion and uncertainty. i have cried so much on so many occassions weeks before maybe even months in anticipation for this and now i feel nothing. not one tear wants to roll down my cheek when just a few nights ago i was like a waterfall. haha. i think this must be a good thing. so i can fully do what im supposed to here :)

wish me luck people. my fingers are already freezing and im indoors and i cant sleep and I AM SCARED. i hope i wont be a dumb loser. if my uni life turns out to be half as good as my school and college life, i would a real happy little girl.

just close your eyes and believe?

the question mark is there because i dont have the guts to even commit to that sentence fully yet alone act on it.

Maybe ...

2009-07-20T15:57:00.006+08:00

"Notice the small things; like how I blink when I lie, how I fidget when I'm nervous, how my face changes when I try not to cry, how I have this strange tendency to drift when I walk, notice all these things I don't even notice about myself. Notice when I'm not there.

Thats all any of us is looking for isn't it? Somebody to notice. Somebody who cares enough to notice. ~~Most of us go in and out of this world without having made the least mark, the least difference.~~ Who really cares what us normal people do with our lives? There are so many people in the world that most of us, we go through this life... insignificant. So its nice to know that, at least to one person, you're important, you hold some kind of significance. To know that after you're gone there'll be a witness to your legacy. To know that you will have made some kind of difference. To know that you won't pass through this life...unnoticed.

All I want to know, is - Do you notice? Do you care?"

"You've made a difference. A real difference, not some transient change, but one more concrete - that I can hold on to and remember you by."

Thank you. For noticing.

hush hush (previously unreleased again;)

2009-07-09T14:36:00.011+08:00

this is not just another chapter,

this is THE chapter.

whatever happens happens

Every book has its own little title. Every book has its own page numbers. Whats different in every book is that the different chapters where it tells a different story..

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
This love we've been workin on

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand

We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burnin room

-john mayer

"I don’t want to run away from this
I know that I just don’t need this"

XoXo,

emkay.lew

Unsettled ; (previously unreleased)

2009-07-03T22:43:00.002+08:00

why does everything reminds me of the past? Everywhere i go..everything i do. It reminds me of it. Every detail of the past. I cant seem to let go of it. Im trying to..i really am.. why is it sooo hard to forget? I cant go on like this. I know there is no road down that lane. Why must this be a one way street? The complexity, was not a choice. Perhaps in some ways, but it was more formed, molded and shaped than made. Everyone tells me, that for my own sake, to prevent the wrecking of things, I should stop. But its not that simple. It may not be as hard as I put it out to be... but... When do I stop? Who is to tell me at what point should I say, ok, enough, time to turn back? No one can do that for me, and I refuse to completely stop. I believe that a moderation of it would be good. I see the end there, I see the goodbye. I see it much like any other end I've ever seen. One of broken strings and unfinished ends.

There is so much swirling around my mind right now...

There is so much that I am coming to terms with in my mind right now...

I'm Living In My Insecurities

2009-07-01T13:04:00.018+08:00

well, i decided to put my randomly typed things not so randomly. :)

i've realised that my blog has ceased to contain any thoughts whatsoever for a while, and maybe it's about time i put in some thoughts, some genuine analysis &genuine feelings into some posts here instead. this is afterall, our awesome blog. &it's not allowed to be only filled with what i allow the world to see of me, it wouldn't really, well, be me would it?

just the image i portray for the world, the very image i'd incessantly forced upon myself, because while i was telling the world one thing, i was trying to convince myself that i am indeed so more than the person or people i was telling.

maybe i knew that all along, deep down, i knew something didnt click, it wasnt right, &maybe i knew what it was, it's simply admitting and acknowledging the very problem within myself scared me so much that i'd much rather store it away, never to be touched or pried into. but it eats into me.

I find myself taken aback sometimes to see how far I've come, how much i've changed & conformed to the society's unforgiving acceptance. It scares me to think that the very same girl who first stepped into Wesley Methodist is now more accepted compared to then. It wasnt that I had faked who i really was to the world, because if you really know me, you'll find that being someone I am not, to me, is harder than being ostracized by the very society whose acceptance everyone seems to crave.

it was because college had changed the very person i am. maybe not as much as my moral values or beliefs, but almost 180 degrees of my perception of people and friendship. i've learnt that being naive, even in the simplest way of translation, purity, will only be taken advantage of by the society. &cynicism is more relevant to life than the most basic of all necessities.

I've learnt that although you will never allow someone else to feel the same hurt you've gone through regardless of how easy it might be or how much you feel like allowing yourself a little bit of sadism, the very same person whom you've wanted to save from the pain, will do just the very same thing to you even within a short span of time. &maybe, sometimes, you can't help but feel, if the world is doing just that, why should you be the only one to force justice or fairness upon your actions?

this is a cruel world.

corny i know, but it's true in every aspect of its existence. the world is filled with cruelty, mostly created by man unto man themselves. people talk about injustice, about unfairness, about the very authority who uses their power unto someone else, but have you ever stopped to think, would you do the same thing?

it annoys me to think that invariably almost everyone will vehemently deny such allegations almost instantaneously without giving it much thought, but never having gone through the same situation, how are you supposed to fucking know that you are above the very same person who succumbed to what you of all people will not be able to withstand for even the slightest second? who are you to criticize and bring down that person when you are the very cause for his fall?

who are you?

it's hard to continually understand why people do things and what has cause them to do something that causes pain to someone else. it is harder to continually excuse their actions and peg them as "they're only human" or "everyone is doing it". Because in all honesty, people should take responsibility for their actions. It's like saying a mass murderer should be excused from what he has done because it wasn't his fault his life was hell and his parents or the environment around him while he was still a boy conditioned him to be the person he is today. &then letting him go to do as he pleases. i know, this is a much larger scale compared to petty high school drama like "she stole my boyfriend" or "he lied to me" or "she bitched about me", but if you really look into, there's no real difference at all.

to some extent, nihilism applies. looking it up, the word means

nihilism: A theory promoting the state of believing in nothing, or of having no allegiances and no purposes. The term is incorrectly used to characterize all persons not sharing some particular faith or particular set of absolute values.

to me, it feels like the norm of the society is wrong in every possible way or reasoning and refusing to believe or obeying what the world has decided but having no choice because this is what survival means. because when you think about it, our world was formed upon perceptions, beliefs and as plainly as i can possibly put it, thoughts.

I think, therefore I am.

&if everyone has their own thoughts, everyone has their own mind and mental capability to create and mould their own existence, then who is anyone to say that what i am doing right now is wrong if it is not to me? who is anyone to say that what he is doing is wrong when it is not to him? No one has the right to enforce a belief or practice unto someone else because, it is their belief, and their practice.

&i know that you'll prolly say that you've thought about it before or i'm only stating the obvious, but don't you see? if I am indeed stating the obvious, why is it so hard for us to practice what we already know? what we've already known since our very existence.

you wanna know why?
because it is easier.

Why can't people practice what they preach?
that line goes so much deeper than the depths beneath the ocean. It has so much more layers than what society would like to believe. Because life itself can never be something as blatantly obvious as that if the society refuses to allow it.

&because i know that despite everything i've just typed out, I, myself fall into the same category. the society which will only continue to live in its own denial and continue to destroy itself. Because neither am i above the very people i've just scorned &unless, although highly unlikely, i manage to practice what i preach, i'll only continue to live in disgust with myself.

I could've already said too much, &my understanding of this could only be as shallow as above..

ps, darrengoon prolly helped escalated all this thinking.
tsk.. he makes me think too much.
whether or not he agrees with my thoughts.

after all the raindrops ; rainbows and cupcakes

on a lighter lighter lighter note,
I am satisfied with the now. :]

the future still freaks me out

Somewhere In Between

2009-06-27T16:06:00.006+08:00

confused. give me a sign?

the art of losing is not hard to master; so many things seen filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster. Lose something everyday. Accept the fluster of loss is no disaster. Lose something everyday. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent, ~~the darkened past~~ . the art of losing isn't hard to master innit?

i guess i dont know alot of things now.
things might change..things which is so wrong, it's right?
what if.. i change my mind?
i would end up hate myself for being so contradicting & be just like YOU.

with much overused 'might' & 'maybe' <3
of glam, rock & soul
Carm

2009-06-22T15:26:00.002+08:00

i want to be the best ainessa possible.

dont you want to be the best version of yourself?

how many of us are not living life the way we should be?

ps: mk, maybe youre at the edit html place instead of compose, i got colours and fonts :)

breakeven not

2009-06-22T15:12:00.007+08:00

'You can do the right things for selfish reasons
You can do the wrong thing with good intentions
And sometimes when people screw up and do bad things, does that mean they are bad people?
To hold so steadfastly to a belief only to have it shattered in a moment of clarity

Now you know dreams don't come true, and even if they do, they don't always stay true'

They say if god get you into this, he will get you through this.
How true is this?

you ask me to choose my path, even thought there's nothing much left to choose from..

and so i will give up this fight.

emkay

No surprise -Daughtry

2009-06-21T10:39:00.004+08:00

'It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why'

XoXO,
emkay

p/s- what the sas wehhh what happened to the blordy blog? Why kenot put colours anymore and why kenot change the font already?? FIX THIS CARMEN LIM!!!!!!!!!!

To the one and only BITCH*ELLE WONG SOOK KING

2009-06-16T16:29:00.002+08:00

HEYY WOMANNN!! HAPPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYY=)
WOishhhhh 19 already...dun everyday gooo clubbing laaa hou sam!!! Sayyy 'turned over a new leave?' MANA ADAAAAAAAAAA tryingg to con BANU NOWW laa???????

I misss you soo much laa.. i hope u got my bomb??? PLEASE OR I WILL KILL EVERY MALAYSIAN POSTMEN I SEE WHEN I COME HOME.....

So on an ending note, hope ure enjoying urself right now baby!

love love
emkay=)

cupcakes

2009-06-10T18:22:00.002+08:00

sometimes the sun
smiles upon us

ness

overloading of abusive thoughts

2009-06-10T08:05:00.004+08:00

“Better by far, you should forget and smile; than you should remember and be sad.”

how has your thoughts been treating you lately?

7 things

2009-06-09T14:26:00.003+08:00

i absolutely think being gay is not a problem
i want to go to the beach eventhough its winter here now
a week from now i'll be having my holidays!!
i absolutely miss you bitches veryyy veryyy much
i heard keiron is in hong kong?
I wonder if the little piece of paper that we stuck on the wall of c27 is still there? The one we label everyone according to our heights.
Had a really good long catchup session with 'ss' LIM KAH MUN ystd=)

you took my love

2009-06-09T14:22:00.002+08:00

Rihanna - Hatin' On The Club lyrics

Now this be the last time you did me wrong
No more laying up in your arms
No calling, saying you want me back
I'm packing my bags, what you think about that?

Stayed at home like a good girl do
But Tonight baby you got me sad and blue
I just heard about the girl in your car, y'all kissing at the bar
Got me crying

[Chorus:]
Ohhh, you got me hatin' on the club
'Cause you took my love
Oh you took my love
Now you got me like whoahhh
You got me hatin' on the club
'Cause you took my love
Why'd you have to take my love
Whoahh

And you can be mad at me all you want
I ain't coming in, I'll be waiting out front
Coming out the door with your girlfriend
You did me wrong boy tell me where our love went

Stayed at home like a good girl do
But Tonight baby you got me sad and blue
I just heard about the girl in your car, y'all kissing at the bar
Got me crying

[Chorus:]
Ohhh, you got me hatin' on the club
'Cause you took my love
Oh you took my love
Now you got me like whoahhh
You got me hatin' on the club
'Cause you took my love
Why'd you have to take my love
Whoahh

Now this is the sound of a broken heart
There's only one reason why we're apart
She never woulda made it to your car
If it wasn't for the club, I'd still have my love
We would still have us
I'd still have my love
We would still have us

But now we're like whoahhhh

Ohhh, you got me hatin' on the club
'Cause you took my love
Oh you took my love

But now, now we're like whoahhh
You got me hatin' on the club
You took my love
Oh you took my love



Lyrics | Rihanna lyrics - Hatin' On The Club lyrics

super in love with this song now=_

im suppose to be studyinggggg awmaigodddddddd..

Carrot Cake

2009-06-08T16:23:00.004+08:00

as u all know, i have a fetish for carrot cake..*its even going to be my future wedding cake*
So today, i saw carrot cake in the local supermarket, i was like GODSSSS I MUST BUY IT LAAAA. Its been soooo long since ive eaten carrot cake. But then i cudnt figure out what the price of that cake was,..there wasnt any label or anything. There was a stupid label that said $9.49 for Tiramisu cake..but no labelfor carrot cake..geezzz..so i assumed its the same price la..$9.49. Damn ex la.but heck it,, i kenot NOT buy the carrot cake...

Okay so the main point...This is exactly how life works. You dont know what's the price but u still go for it because it makes u happy and its wat you want. No matter what the price is, u're ready to pay for it becuz it makes u happy.

I dont know what im writting. But this particular fren of mine told me the rationale behind this and it did make sense to me at that point.

hehhh?

okay i know if kei is reading this he'll sayyy WATTAAHARGHHHH!!???

do you know?

2009-06-08T11:44:00.005+08:00

how do you know if youre going to regret things? you dont.

how do you know if its going to work out the way you want? you dont.

how do you know if you should change things or not? you dont.

since you dont know if you will regret things and you dont know if it will work out the way you want, obviously you dont know if you should change things or not.

conclusion, i know that i dont know a lot of things.

bad boyfie BAD.

2009-05-26T10:32:00.001+08:00

basically, boyfie was talking about my lack of exercise but now ive started a little bit.

he says he is proud but i must increase my ten minutes to fifteen at least on this walking machine thing. though he said he was shocked i could last for ten minutes as he thought i would die after two perhaps. (bad boyfie remark #1)

i ask why. he says because im out of shape now. (bad boyfie remark #2)

i ask when was i ever in shape. he says in college. at least then you did a lot of walking so it put you in shape.

i ask how do you know. he says can feel it.

i ask what do you mean you can feel it. he says YOUR STOMACH. (bad boyfie BAD)

he goes on to explain his remark further but that was the gist of it. what kind of boyfie tell his girl that she is fat and flabby. a bad one thats who!

2009-05-23T14:57:00.003+08:00

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take

but by the moments that take our breathe away.

i'm tangled up in you <3

Off-Guard; SMAXE are LUFWA

2009-05-21T12:52:00.008+08:00

"You never want to enter a girl's 'friend zone' When a girl decides you're a friend, you are no longer a dating option. You become a non-sexual entity; like her brother, or a lamp."

yes YOU PJ, u better read this & download. hee :P thanksssss cz my next steal frm u would be this, so thankyou in advance.

came across 'Just Friends' with, as in starring, Ryan Reynolds (who is so totally hot, like ZOMG) *insert bimbotic face*

See they used to be friends in high school and he liked her but it didn't work out. And so he went off, leaving his pretty friend behind and 5 years later...

Woo... he is hot, he is successful and all the girls want him. But he's still in love with his best friend from a long time ago and he's a womanizer because well... there's no one he can really imagine getting serious with.

Sadly she still sees him as the same old friend, in fact worst than the friend... since he's acting like a jerk to cover up all his insecurities and there's this other guy and he has this stalker chick admirer. Well basically its quite funny and in the end all is great and happy so we're all good.

Some of the top 10 signs that you have been relegated to the Friend Zone as complied by me from research in the various academically sound websites of 'Loveshack' and the like:

You guys have been friends 'for the longest time'. All well and good when you want to get to know a girl before getting together but there is a space of time (that space of time depending on her initial interest and the impressions that you give off) before you are moved from the Potential Zone to the Friend Zone, so far into it that there are no roads out and you without a GPS.
You bake together or cook together or do any other form of 'girl activities' together eg. watching chick flicks, painting nails, putting on make-up, trying on clothes (and she does in all in a non-flirtatious manner and worse, tries to put them on you too) Definitely a Friend Zone warning when she's perfectly comfortable doing girly things that she enjoys without really considering what you would enjoy.
She says "You're like a brother to me." or "It's great having a guy as just a friend." casually when guys are hanging out and also when referring to you to her friends. 'Brother' is worst than 'just a friend', 'gay' is usually very very bad because that means that she's relegated you to the not even being in the same sexual orientation. And when you finally work up the guts to say something she says "I'm not ready for a relationship." or "I don't want to ruin what we have." Translation: You are in my Friend Zone and I like having you there and that's where you're to stay.
She never touches you and shies away from being touched. Although this may vary because some girls are more shy and some girls are more open. Non-intimate touches like tickles and pats and casual brushes could either be a sympathetic/ accidental friendly gesture or a sign that you are not completely lost yet. Although it's safe to say if she never goes to hug you or anything more intimate you're in the Friend Zone. Worst is if she DOES hug you and lean on you and maybe even kiss you on the cheek but thinks nothing of doing it. You're so far in the Friend Zone you've reached Familyville my friend.
She tells you all of her problems. This is a bit tricky. It could be a sign that you guys are really good friends and she trusts you or she's using you as a therapist and doesn't care if you pick up on her neuroses and quirks. People who like you want to put themselves in a better light in your eyes. If she's happily telling you about things like the bunion on her foot or the chaffing from her G-string, you are in trouble.
She talks to you about other guys and girls. And not in the good way. When she talks about other guys its not flirty its not coy, its a full on therapy session on how she is 'confused' because he's giving 'mixed signals'. Or she speaks lovingly of other men eg. an ex-boyfriend or potential friend. And she wants to introduce you to other girls. Of course she may be hoping you say you're not interested but generally a girl who likes you wants to avoid you meeting her 'hot' friend.
She's dated someone else in the course of your friendship. No brainer there. Out of the blue there is another guy while you are the steadfastly dependable friend. And while she is with the other guy there is little contact with you because honestly she'd rather be spending time with someone else. Of course she 'could' like you once she sees what 'a great friend' you are but more likely she'll be giving you a ticket to the Friend Zone.
If she re-directs the conversation when it steers remotely towards your feelings for her. That's a definite 'No Entry' sign. She doesn't want to hear about your feelings for her meaning she probably knows or can guess what you feel and she does not want to address it. If she really did like you she would be psyched that you brought it up and egg you on/
They do not seek out alone time with you. Sure they may act flirtatiously and you might have 'great conversations' where she says things that you read so much into but if she has made no attempt to corral you alone then you are definitely a friend. Double that if you guys are going out and she brings another friend along. Triple that if you're the one who did the inviting. You're a friend, friend, FRIEND.
There is no sign of personal grooming even when they know they'll be seeing you. No brushing or fussing over their hair, no shaving their legs, no putting on make-up, just sweats and their rattiest T-shirt will do. They are totally fine with you seeing the 'ugly' not because they're comfortable with you but because they simply are not interested in attracting you. If a girl likes you she will groom. A characteristic trait of the animal kingdom.
Sorry I know there were only supposed to be 10 but the 11th sign is if you are reading this list and you have nodded and agreed with 4 or more signs while thinking of someone or all the girls you know in general. You my friend, are just a friend.

Oh, that's as far as the post went because posting was halted due to well... it just was. ok fine, FEXAMS

Fumbling for a steady grip

ps this is carm btw, this is my official colour & i wont change nomore. cz the other greens are not nice. i tried so many & i've decided this is final :)

Why do we change?

2009-05-14T09:18:00.005+08:00

Hello May. (:

Why were you in such a rush to get here? You've made everything else speed up into a blur, and I, moving in my sluggish pace, have had to frantically catch up. I hope you're happy.

Still, now that you're here, I hope you won't leave too quickly. I'm afraid June will be even colder than you are.
--
I may be too easily attached,
but I can detach myself too.
I wonder why I want to though.

I can't believe I keep to myself so much now. I used to be the kind of person who always had to share, always had to ask for others' opinions on things. I wonder why I don't do this anymore.

Still, there are the precious few in whom I still have the trust to confide in. (: Maybe that's it; maybe I've lost that naivety that everyone can be trusted.

I'm not "emo", I'm just brooding. (:

it feels like i'm being erased, forgotten,dissipating into thin air. just like before was never there. being forgotten, that sheer fear i have, greater than being alone. from strangers to buddies to nothing more than someone who would js walk past you & look past through you. & now i'm js left here cold & invisible. the curtains fall, a new story is being told. i'm gone like the wind, as if the old stories told never existed. could you not throw that bit of the past into the trash pile, even if you have to walk away? that mindgames we're in, its not funny anymore.

People keep asking if I'm all right. I know I haven't been myself lately, but the weird thing is that I do feel all right not being myself. So what is that? I'm happy that I've changed?

I think, I'm going through an identity crisis. HAHAHAHA. How funny does that sound?
Did you know that using a laptop on your lap could kill your sperm? Cos I didn't! HAHAH, I learned that yesterday. (: What a fun fact.

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining

ps u knw what? KEI is deadmeatfriedfish HAHAHAHHAHA anyhoo i super hate you la, u broke my cycle of the fb/blog stalking which i havent had the decency to do in ages. u stalk greeny more than i do & after what u told me i went to check greeny out &&&& super sizzling panfried uber uber cute weih. i'm half drooling. he's still memang eyecandy material :D :D

right here

2009-05-10T13:05:00.004+08:00

There is no long distance about love; it always finds a way to bring hearts together, no matter how many miles are between them.

p.s this is for you nessiebear

live life.

2009-04-28T12:17:00.002+08:00

do you want to be my morning glory

how do i know that i am not living a lie

am i a hypocrite

can you walk away

where can i get more strength

is there such a thing as getting bored

do i accomplish what i set my mind to

will i be forgiven

is everything going to change

am i a good person

shall we just dance the night away

what makes you mad

do you believe in fairy tale endings

can i be successful

is there really a forever

does it all even matter

when will i devote myself to something meaningful

do i even know you or myself or anything at all

how should i behave

are these the true rainbows

what will become of me

does love really exist

will i regret my life and the choices that i made

there are no question marks because i dont expect answers. or at least i dont expect them any time soon.

only time will tell.

2009-04-28T11:53:00.006+08:00

do you believe in;

eyelashes?

pennies head up?

shooting stars?

or the bigger half of the wish bone?

as for me, i believe in

you and me.

Tarnesha

2009-04-26T21:46:00.002+08:00

suddenly out of the blue, i sorta remeber this girl name Tarnesha(keiron's fren) whom we used to joke about because of her upper region?

i misss saying her name

TARRRRRRRRR-NEEEE-SHA

*okkkk i fucking pray that she doesnt read this blog??

Love you

2009-04-26T21:27:00.004+08:00

It's not everyday
That I meet a person quite like you
Perfect every way
I finally found the nerve to confess that it's you - that I want
I don't care if I act a fool
I would damn near beg for you
Set aside, all my pride
So don't keep me hanging here
its you that i want

susan boyle FTWWW

2009-04-26T00:14:00.002+08:00

( eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee) *look at my pearly whites*
is this light blue??

now to more seriousness of the cases. i totally no doubt 100000000% freakingly salute susan boyle!!

she is my new idol man. the video of her in britain's got talent.. wah.. wat can i say. every1 laughed at her. and then BAM!! the voice of a goddess. and she is so humble. she shud look at the other contestant and say suck that bitches!! respect

random conversations.

2009-04-22T22:35:00.002+08:00

hello people. :) as promised to mr pj, im blogging about it. yes yes indeed, you must be more careful about what you say. HAHAHA.

before this there was also another funny bit that i didnt copy unfortunately. let me just fil you people in. pj was kutuking me saying that i use my sex appeal to get extra chops for a free drink at gloria jeans. I USE MY LOYALTY LA THANKS. then after that, he said he will strip for them to get a free drink. so then i reported to miss emkay lew. :P hee hee.

here is another part. basically this is the overview. we were both talking about how we have not spoken to nick leng in a while. so that is the 'he' that pj was referring to in the first sentence. and my first reply was directed to pj's first statement.

Pee~Jay~ says: (10:27:29 PM)

he not replying me oso

~Pee~Jay~ says: (10:27:36 PM)

wheres fuad

ness; says: (10:27:39 PM)

: ( pooppie

ness; says: (10:27:46 PM)

hes not online

~Pee~Jay~ says: (10:27:48 PM)

HAHAHAH

~Pee~Jay~ says: (10:27:53 PM)

cheh

~Pee~Jay~ says: (10:27:59 PM)

i tot he really buang-ing

ness; says: (10:28:09 PM)

HAHAHAHHA omg

ness; says: (10:28:13 PM)

damn funny

this may all be useless information now, but at the time, i was laughing so hard. hahaha.

can i rewind and pause?

dot dot dot

2009-04-22T20:57:00.002+08:00

why the hell must these things happen. things that become mood killer. isn't it funny how things would dramatically change from being fun to totally boring. you know how it feels like rite people. exited about something den before it actually happens. the feeling is gone. just feel like not doin anything. blardy hell. go die.